


i was done, but you undid me

by allsassnoclass (brightblackholes)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-breakup Musings, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, past unnamed girlfriend is discussed a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26553520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightblackholes/pseuds/allsassnoclass
Summary: They film the Lie to Me music video.  Luke tries to work through some things.  Ashton tries to help.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, past Luke Hemmings/unnamed female character
Comments: 7
Kudos: 75





	i was done, but you undid me

**Author's Note:**

> hello it's my turn to make Luke emo
> 
> I was reminded of the lie to me music video recently, which got me thinking about how emotionally taxing filming that must have been for Luke. Acting upset for an hour is exhausting even when you don't have a personal connection to the subject matter. Anyway, that got me Thinking and now here this is.
> 
> Special thanks to [Bella](https://clumsyclifford.tumblr.com) for reading this over and being lovely about it
> 
> Title is from Lie to Me featuring Julia Michaels

The director lets Michael call it this time, announcing “ _ That’s a wrap!” _ over the megaphone to cheers. He had offered the opportunity to Luke, but Luke’s throat hurts and he’s too exhausted to do anything other than clap half-heartedly and try to smile whenever someone pats him on the back for a job well done.

They’ve had longer shoots than this, but none of them have left him so drained. It’s going to be a good video, and it’s a good fucking song, but he feels as if someone has carved out his insides without giving him anything to replace them with. A stiff breeze would probably blow him over, and that’s when Ashton wraps an arm around his waist.

“Hi,” he says softly. Luke leans into him, grateful for the support. It’s cold, and now that the lighting equipment is getting taken down the chill of the night is settling into his bones, but Ashton is a heater, always keeping him from freezing over. Whenever Luke thinks he’s about to turn into an ice sculpture, Ashton is there, reminding him that there’s blood flowing through his veins instead, that he’s a human being who can keep going instead of surrendering to the chill.

“Hi.”

“You want to go home?” Ashton asks, and Luke is so relieved that his knees might buckle.

“Yeah,” he says, voice hoarse. Even when he lip syncs on every take, his voice is always a little shot after music videos, but he sometimes gets hoarse after he cries, too, and there’s been some of that today.

He hopes everyone just thinks he’s a good actor, but he knows that the band has seen right through him, Ashton most of all.

He’s over the breakup, but that doesn’t mean that digging up those feelings isn’t still painful.

“Come on,” Ashton says. “Let’s get the car.”

They navigate their way through the crowd, and Luke feels guilty that they aren’t staying to help the instrument techs or thank the rest of the crew, but he knows he wouldn’t be able to do it with any life. Michael and Calum give them both a brief hug, Ashton deflects any questions or attempts at conversation, and when they finally step out of the arena Luke lets out a sigh that leaves him feeling lighter and heavier at the same time.

They walk in silence. The city is as quiet as it ever gets, one of the side effects of having a nocturnal shoot, and Luke is thankful for it. He could use a distraction, but he appreciates the quiet more.

It’s a good song, because it’s honest. Luke poured his heart into it, because it was healthier to do that than any of his other coping mechanisms. Ashton put the notebook in front of him one day and told him to get everything out, and Luke wrote so many bad lyrics about broken hearts and angry lyrics about betrayal and then, finally,  _ I know that you don’t but if I asked you if you love me, I hope you’d lie to me _ .

And that’s it, isn’t it? Luke wants to be loved too much, and he sees it even when it’s not there. He’s always looked for it in all the wrong places.

It’s been awhile since he’s really thought about all the ways she fucked him up, how horribly he misjudged what they meant to each other. Looking back, he can see a few warning signs: arguments that lasted too long, casual comments that were disparaging instead of uplifting, how she complained when he would spend too much time with the boys instead of her but would turn their date nights into group outings with her friends, taking the opportunity to flirt with some other people just to watch him get jealous.

He hadn’t seen any of that when they were together. All he saw were the highs: those rushes of adrenaline when she looked at him a certain way, how proud he was to have her on his arm, how much she enjoyed showing him off in a way that made him feel special. He thought she was funny and she thought he was sweet. He told her he loved her. She said it back, and he believed her.

Ashton hadn’t. Michael and Calum hadn’t fully, either, but Ashton is the only one who ever tried to talk to him about it.

“Are you sure?” he had asked one night, only the two of them still awake on the tour bus, Luke having just gotten done with a phone call to her.

“What?”

“Are you sure you love her? And she loves you?”

“Of course,” Luke had said. Ashton just looked at him for a long moment, something heavy enough in his gaze that Luke had to look away first.

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Luke had frowned, feeling his hackles raise because he wasn’t a fucking kid who needed to be protected anymore. He could be trusted to look after himself, and there wasn’t any reason for this conversation.

“Why would you say that?” he said. “Just because your last serious relationship went to shit and you’re jealous doesn’t mean you can take cheap shots at my girlfriend.”

Ashton’s expression had shuttered, and Luke knew that what he’d said wasn’t fair, but it had felt good in the moment. He was a wounded animal snarling at the person trying to release him from the bear trap, not yet realizing that he needed the help.

When Luke showed up at Ashton’s door a few months later, he hadn’t said  _ I told you so _ or any other comment that would be fully justified. He just let him in and never asked him to leave.

Luke looks at him now, out of the corner of his eye. The street lights create deep shadows in his face, highlighting his profile but clouding his eyes. Luke wants to know what he’s thinking, if he’s remembering how stupid Luke was to put all his trust in a girl who was always going to break his heart. Maybe he’s remembering how much of a mess in general Luke was then, untethered with no inspiration, no sense of identity, and no one around to make sure he took care of himself.

He was pathetic. He still feels pathetic, some days. They found their sound and released  _ Youngblood _ ; they’ve grown into new styles and settled into their skin a bit more, but Luke still feels like that little kid who’s too desperate for love to realize that it isn’t always good. Ashton has to remind him to eat sometimes, or check on him when he stays in bed all day. Any time they have more than a few days off, he can feel himself slipping into the mindset of  _ what is the point _ and  _ I don’t matter _ .

_ “You matter, _ ” Ashton has whispered too many times, too late at night. “ _ If you can’t remember how important you are to the world, then trust me when I tell you how important you are to me.” _

And he knows, he  _ knows _ that Ashton doesn’t love him like that, not the way that Luke wants him to, but that doesn’t stop him from wishing for it.

Luke has always searched for love in all the wrong places.

They reach the car finally, Ashton slipping into the driver’s seat and turning on the heating enough to keep Luke from shivering. Luke buckles himself in.

For the music video, he never got to sit in the front of the car, and he never wore a seatbelt. The Luke in that narrative gave himself no control of the situation and allowed himself to take maximum damage, and Luke’s hoping that he’s smarter than that. He’s hoping that he’s a little smarter than he was back then, even if he doesn’t feel like it.

This Luke buckles his seatbelt, and doesn’t meet Ashton’s eyes when he knows that he’s just going to imagine the love reflected in them.

“How are you doing?” Ashton asks after a few moments of silence. Luke takes a deep breath and takes stock.

“Tired,” he says eventually. “I think I’m just... tired.”

Ashton nods, but doesn’t say anything. He’s giving Luke the space to get his thoughts in order, and it makes something twist deep in his gut. No one has ever listened to him quite like Ashton does.

“I don’t want to be angry at myself anymore.”

The sentence balloons in the air before settling around them. It’s not what he meant to say, but the longer it’s out there the more Luke thinks it’s what he needed to.

“What do you mean?” Ashton asks.

“I was so stupid. Everyone else could see that we weren’t meant to be, but I ignored all the signs and just let it happen. I saw the other cars circling and still got in the back, and I don’t--I don’t trust myself not to do it again. How am I supposed to know if someone actually loves me when I thought she did? How could I let myself be that much of an idiot?”

“Luke, it wasn’t your fault.”

Luke laughs bitterly.

“Wasn’t it?”

“She’s the one who didn’t treat you right.”

“But I thought she did,” he says. “I actually thought that we’d gotten it, and now I don’t even know how to recognize what  _ it _ is. I mean, what part of me could someone even love?”

“Luke…”

“I know what you’re going to say,” he says, because this is a conversation they’ve had too many times. It must get annoying for Ashton to always have to repeat himself, to dish out compliments to Luke because he gets so needy and insecure all the time. He wishes that he could stop saying stuff like that around him so they can stop rehashing the same arguments, but something about Ashton always lowers his verbal filter.

“Do you trust me?” Ashton asks, and Luke nods, like he always does. “Then trust me when I say that there is so much of you to love. You’re talented, funny, and you have the best heart of anyone that I know. You’ll find someone who will love you properly.”

Luke swallows. He doesn’t say  _ I don’t want someone, I think I just want you _ . Ashton’s love wouldn’t be what he wants; it would just be pity, and Luke can’t put himself through that. He can’t grow more attached than he already is only for it to get taken away when Ashton finds someone properly suited to him.

“Do you believe me?” Ashton asks gently, like Luke needs to be handled with kid gloves, and it makes his lower lip tremble.

“I’m trying to,” is the closest he can get to an agreement.

“Okay,” Ashton says. “That’s okay.”

Luke nods, a sob clawing its way up his already-scratchy throat, and stops pretending like he’s not crying. Ashton has already seen him at his worst, anyway, so he lets the tears fall and his breaths grow unsteady.

“Oh, Luke…” he says, pushing back his chair all the way and reaching over to unbuckle Luke’s seatbelt. He coaxes him over the gearshift and onto his lap, and he doesn't fit, because his limbs are too long and the car is too small and it’s just a reminder that he shouldn’t need this; he should be enough of an adult to not be crying over a breakup that was so long ago or the fact that he doesn’t think anyone will love him like he wants.

Ashton just holds him, because he needs it, anyway. He lets the tears soak his shirt and keeps Luke safe as he hides his face in his neck, trying to slow down the world until he’s breathing in Ashton instead of despair. Ashton rubs his back in long, slow motions, hypnotic in his movements. The gesture brings more comfort than the words do. Luke melts into him, letting his warmth thaw the frost in his heart again.

Luke doesn’t have much left to cry, and soon they’re just sitting there, exhausted.

“Sorry,” Luke says, like he always does.

“You don’t have to apologize, but it’s okay,” Ashton replies, giving the standard reply. Luke climbs back to his seat and Ashton adjusts his back to the original position.

“Hey,” Ashton says. “You know I love you, right?”

_ In what way? _ he wants to ask, but it would be useless. Ashton doesn’t lie to him, and this is the one instance where, against better judgement, Luke wants him to.

He just nods, and fastens his seatbelt again.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [allsassnoclass](http://allsassnoclass.tumblr.com).


End file.
